Savage Cycling: A New Group To Hate

This morning, I was thinking a lot about hate for cyclists and that there’s no group that I belong to which can get hatred.

Thus, I have created a group of my own to be despised by all: savage cyclist!

Savage cyclists are not to be confused with hipsters. Savages think of their bicycles not as a fashion accessory but as their very life itself.

All the men have beards and are sweaty. All the women can fix every aspect of their bicycle.

We aren’t vegan and don’t ride because “it’s good for the environment”, but we’ll toss that out there if it will tweak someone who doesn’t like us.

We don’t follow traffic laws. We don’t harass other cyclists for their behavior and we don’t see ourselves as representatives. We just ride. We’re on bikes, which equals dork in Hollywood. If we really cared what motorists thought of us, we’d just get cars.

Savage cyclists are practical.

We wear whatever the fuck we want. This being said, we usually aren’t too pretty. We don’t really care what you think about our appearance. Hell, I ride around with a garbage bag bungied to my bike, do you think I care?

Savage cyclists are often fast and always proud.

We aren’t vegan: we have no dietary restrictions and have been known to kill our food with our bare hands. We eat bare handed, too.

What did you expect? We’re savages.

Savage cyclists are very close to being homeless and sometimes we are, but unlike homeless, we don’t cycle because we have to. We don’t hate cars and we don’t see our bikes are replacements.

We don’t hate anyone. We don’t judge anyone.

We’d rather ride then sit around, but when we do open our mouths, it’s probably something you never heard before and thus is considered “offensive” by both the softer cyclists and softie motorists.

When we ride, we ride Ninja Style. We are happy riding everywhere; it doesn’t matter if it’s a high speed road or cycle track, if there are peddles, we’ll turn them.

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