I Heart Huckaby

Apparently, in Portland, there’s going to be a
ballot initiative which will create a bicycle license for those without one.

While I semi-humorously talked about being in favor of licenses, I am hoping that this guy succeeds. I feel that state sanctioning of my mode is the way to go.

Note, this is totally serious.

Not that I’d waste a second of my time on this campaign that’s clearly done with bad intentions.

However, I feel that this will totally backfire in Mr. Huckaby’s (and the other hater’s) faces.

Here are some reasons:

1. If I have a bicycle license, I no longer need a driver’s license which means that I can let my lousy motoring skills further wither. Plus in my crowd, cycling is seen as a sign of extreme wealth (elitism), extreme health (I don’t know how you have the strength to bike to work each day), and it’s cool.

2. The more the state talks about cycling the better. THE MORE THE STATE TALKS ABOUT CYCLING THE BETTER. I mean, we’re going to have our own branch of the DMV! This means that they are going to have to start teaching police officers the real laws on cycling.

3. If I have a license from the state, I have more clout in demanding bicycle access to employment as well as parking. Plus, I have a picture ID, state granted right to the road. Now when people yell, get off the road, I can flash my cool Bicycle ID, and they will know that I am a STATE SANCTIONED CYCLIST. Not some dirty commie who is stealing from the system and riding through the cracks.

4. Now one of the biggest threats and complaints that ugly motorists have against cyclists is now gone. GONE! Especially if we have cute little license plates. When people post shit about ALL of us not following traffic laws, we can say, “did you get the plate number?” As if the cops actually care about plate numbers (hint: unless there’s a rich or important person hurt they don’t). The more political ammo we can take about from motorists the weaker they get.

5. If there are large crackdowns on motoring violations, motorists will pay the lion’s share of it. You can’t have it both ways. You can’t continue to roll stop signs, buzz cyclists, and bitch about red light cameras while at the same time whining that the state needs to “do something” about “scofflaw cyclists.”

Further more, I have noticed that this is one of the things that I call a Tea Bag Exception (TBE). That is the government sucks at everything and spending any more is a total waste of time UNLESS IT AFFECTS ME! Then the sky’s the limit on government spending and I’ll remain strangely silent about how bad the government sucks.

6. Finally, cyclist outrage is what this guy wants. He thinks that a license will make cycling go away forever. I strongly disagree. I feel that a license will get all cyclists more connected with the government in ways that motorists are all ready connected.

For Huckaby, this can only be a Very Bad ThingTM.

So I urge all Portlanders to vote a resounding YES on being recognized and approved by the government. Only follow up with the notice that everywhere that laws are strictly enforced for cyclists must have matching government spending in making sure that cycling is safe, comfortable, and efficient for all levels of official government license holders.


One Response to “I Heart Huckaby”

  1. Heartfelt thanks to Sgt. Krumer, PCH lane closures this weekend, and a scofflaw cyclist caught on video « BikingInLA Says:

    […] Diego Lexus driver flees the scene after apparently hitting a cyclist on purpose. Cycling Unbound takes the contrarian view on bike licensing, arguing that it might actually be good for us. Former Hemet mayor has his […]

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